Unbreakable

For my Kinesiology Final Paper we were assigned an essay prompt to discuss the athletic injuries we have faced and what we have done to recover and learn from them. When I sat down to write the short 3 page paper, I quickly realized that my story would exceed the limit by over five pages. Taking the time and space to reflect on all that I’ve been through to be the healthy, happy, strong woman I am today was both horrifying and empowering . Thus, after submitting it I made some revisions, added some lines here and there, and published this as my first blog post. I hope you enjoy reading my story- maybe you find something you can relate to, maybe it brings you hope, or maybe it serves as a way to remind you that anything is possible if you keep smiling and keep grinding.

Unbreakable

I have been an athlete my entire life. I grew up in a house with sporty parents and two athletic brothers, so it’s fair to say that I was destined to follow in their footsteps. Being an athlete has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me: it’s taught me to be strong, how to be a good leader and teammate, how to fight for something that you want. It’s taught me about discipline and hardwork, and how in order to be great you have to be willing to work when nobody is watching. But it’s also exposed me to heartbreak through learning how to cope with major injuries. It’s taught me the importance of taking care of my body and the power of speaking up when something is wrong. Although it’s fair to say being an athlete has been full of both high and low experiences, I am grateful for it all and all that it’s taught me about my body and who I am as a person.

I like to joke that my parents put me on skates as soon as I could stand. And although this may be a little hyperbolic, the truth of it is that I was skating before I was running, learning how to skate at the age of three. First I learned basic skating skills, then I learned more advanced, and before I knew it I was five years old playing hockey with the boys. From ages 5 to 17, hockey was my life. My parents put me in other sports too, trying out baseball, lacrosse, and field hockey. But by the time I entered middle school it became clear that in order for me to be playing hockey at the high level I wanted to be at, I would have to be playing for hours a day a day, all year round. I loved the sport: the physicality, the way my skates ripped through the ice, the thrill of a win with my team. I loved the late nights and early morning practices, the bitter cold of the rinks, and the strange mixed scent of sweat and hot cocoa. Miraculously, I suffered no major injuries from all the hockey I played. I might have been smaller than most of the boys and girls I played against but I was determined to do whatever it took to be the best on the ice.

"I was skating before I was running.

From ages 5 to 17 hockey was my life"

Although hockey was always my number one sport, I did continue with lacrosse and field hockey through most of middle school and high school for the social benefits of playing for a school team. My greatest strength in any sport was my speed and motivation to work. I might not have had the best stick skills or the best form, but when it came to speed and strength I excelled. I spent my last year of middle school and first two years of high school playing club hockey year round and also competing for a varsity school sport every season. I would wake up at 6:30AM, be in class until 3pm, practice for my school team for two hours, hop in a car and do homework en route to club hockey, practice for two more hours, then finally make it back home. By the time dinner was eaten and I had showered it was already 10PM, and only then would I attempt to finish my homework and studying (and it always got done). Then I would wake up the next day and repeat the cycle all over.

Looking back on these days I do not know how I was able to be the athlete I was, excel in the classroom, and still find time to get some sleep and see my friends. But to make matters worse, towards the end of my freshman year of high school I began to develop unhealthy habits. I had taken all the great characteristics of drive and discipline that I poured into athletics and academics and applied them towards restricting the amount and types of food I ate. I had become so obsessed with eating healthy that my life became completely the opposite, and over the span of the summer months my body weight dropped and dropped and dropped. As I struggled in silence I continued to portray the perfect outward appearance of academic and athletic perfection. I received all A’s and continued with my sports even when I felt constantly light-headed, cold, and consumed with awful thoughts. I genuinely do not know how I survived my sophomore year.

"I Genuinely Do Not Know How I Survived My Sophomore Year"

After months of struggling my parents and doctors grew concerned. At some point over the summer going into my Junior year of high school my weight and vital signs grew to such a poor point that I was given the ultimatum: commit to changing or stay in a hospital where you would be forced to change. It was at that moment that I promised myself to working through my shit and grabbing my life back before it came too late. But anyone who has been in a similar situation as me knows how hard it can be to break toxic habits that controlled your body and mind for months on end. It took lots of tears, therapist and doctors appointments, thirty pounds of weight gain, and hard ass work to get my life back. As you’ll see through the rest of this entry that I’ve been through lots of setbacks. But this struggle- a struggle to learn how to nourish and take care of myself- was the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. Yet also the most rewarding.

After getting my body and mind back to a healthy spot, my athletic identity took a major change at the end of my junior year. I decided to sprint for outdoor track when I started high school as a way to stay in shape for both hockeys and so that I could be with my friends who did the sport. I was alright at it, but nothing special. Then halfway through my junior season I managed to beat all the sprinter boys in a workout, hitting an 800 meter qualifying time in a practice. The 800 is considered distance for high school track, so after that performance my coaches pulled me out of sprints and threw me into distance.

"It's Fair to Say That Season Changed My Life in So Many Different Ways"

It’s fair to say that season changed my life in so many different ways. Distance running brought me a confidence and awareness of my body that I had never felt before. My coach and older teammates taught me the importance of taking easy days easy and stretching before and after runs, something I had never been exposed to in the ‘if you’re not giving 110%, get off the ice’ world of ice hockey. Beyond that, I found teammates who cared about me and that I looked up to for their approach to training and life. Through following their lead, I fell in love with the sport and ended up having a successful season running both the mile and two mile. Taking all of my happiness and awareness of what would be best for my body and heart, I shocked my family, friends, coaches, and school, by telling them that I no longer wanted to play field hockey or ice hockey. Instead, I wanted to be a distance runner.

Although I received a lot of pushback from people in making this decision, my body thrived when I fully was able to commit to the sport. I built up to running 50 miles a week that summer, lifting three days a week, and stretching every single day- it was a magical build up. At the end of August my first cross country season started, and things were off to a great start. In the first two meets of the season, I won each by over a minute and broke the course records. But by the time my third meet rolled around, I had begun to feel a pain in my left big toe. I immediately went and got it checked out with an orthopedist, but he saw nothing wrong on any X-Rays or MRis, so I was cleared to continue running on it to whatever my pain could handle. As you will see throughout the rest of my paper, saying “to go based off pain” is essentially the worst advice anyone could give me as I will push the pain threshold until my body literally gives out. In other words- my mind won’t stop me, only my body will. So my coach and I devised a strategy for how to stay in shape and rehab my injury. For fitness, I did a 60 minute elliptical workout in place of running every single day. For rehab, on Tuesdays and Thursdays I did lots of ankle mobility and stretching to try to work the intrinsic muscles of my foot, while on the other days I did heavy strength training targeting my glutes and core to try to correct any underlying imbalances that may have led to injury. Although impractical and mentally challenging at times, this training worked well for me and I ended up winning a major race running 17:52, holding the #1 5K in the nation for a few weeks, and finishing a successful season placing high in the state and earning all-northeast second team honors. In hindsight, I wonder if I had such a successful season because my body was able to recover so well without having impact running that on race day my legs were fresh and ready to go.

"My Mind Won't Stop Me, Only My Body Will"

Unfortunately our strategy of only running races did not heal my “mystery” pain, so when the cross country season ended I went back to the orthopedist. I got a second MRI and this time it came back with signs of a stress reaction of my big toe, and I was instructed to take three weeks completely off of running and the elliptical. So I did. After the three weeks were up he cleared me to start running again, but immediately my coach and I decided that since I still had some soreness, it would be best to follow the same strategy I did for cross country for indoor track. However, we decided it might be safest for me to use the stationary bike. Again, my body did well from the no-impact high intensity training, and only one week off of training I ran unattached in a college meet, breaking the 5K school record, qualifying for nationals, and posting the #1 US 5K time of the season. Success piled on success, and before I knew it I was winning all my races and I even became a divisional state champion in the 2 mile, accomplishing all of this off of virtually no running. Even still, my big toe was bothering me and I felt a pinpoint pain under my other foot. Looking back, I’m sure I acquired my new pain from compensating for the other side. I was in constant pain, as my left hallux hurt and I had a needle-like pain in my right sesamoid. Yet my brain pushed me forward, and I was on track to fulfill my dreams and compete at Nationals in the beginning of March. The weekend of the meet rolled around and I remember packing the car and leaving, but as soon as we hit the highway we received an email saying that the meet had been canceled due to the “new and extremely contagious Coronavirus”. To say I was devastated was an understatement. Things only grew worse, and as soon as I returned home we found out that school would be canceled for a few days. And then weeks. And then I learned that my senior year of high school was canceled for good.

"My Senior Year of High School was Canceled For Good"

I walked away from high school very differently than how I walked in.

It definitely was the hardest four years of my life. Even still, I finished as a 13 Letter Varsity Athlete, Nearly a Perfect GPA and SAT score, Had Incredible Friends to Lean On, a 5K PR of 17:42, a School Record, and A Divisional State Champion

I say this out of pride and to promise that no matter the way this story reads, I loved my high school experience

With the world shut down, I had little access to anything that could bring me help for my feet. Hospitals were overflowing with COVID patients, PT offices were closed, gyms and pools were shut down. I took two weeks off of training and then rode my basement bike as a way to stay in shape, and continued doing the rehab and strengthening that my coach taught me how to do. A few friends in town had pools that they graciously let me use as another form of training. After three months of being shut down, hospitals began to open again. I went to a new sports orthopedist and got MRis of both feet which revealed that I still had a stress reaction in my left hallux and avascular necrosis of my right sesamoid. Although it was disheartening to hear of both injuries, in a way I was relieved to have a diagnosis. The results came in June, and for the next five months I did not run and trained solely in the pool swimming laps for hours a day. In those five months I received all different forms of treatment, from doing physical therapy on my feet, glutes, and ankles, to using a bone stimulator, cortisone injections, and shockwave therapy. Nothing seemed to fix the pain in my feet. When I started my freshman year at Hamilton in August I added aquajogging to my training regimen because of the benefits of keeping running motions in my crosstraining routine. Being on campus as an injured freshman in the heart of the pandemic was hard. Gym and pool availability was scarce, I was unable to practice with my team, and we did not have access to our lockerroom. I felt lost, lonely, and confused. And even after all of these months of crosstraining, strengthening, and recovering, my pain did not go away. It was at that point that my doctors and I decided it was time to get a sesamoidectomy: a surgery that would remove the “dead” sesamoid bone in my foot.

"Being on campus as an injured freshman in the heart of the pandemic was HARD"

Hamilton College Pool

Surgery is no easy road to go down, but I was determined to go through anything if it resolved my pain and allowed me to run with my new college teammates. The surgery happened in December and I was bed ridden for two weeks post operation. I was then allowed to start PT and swimming again, and I was determined to rehab to the best of my ability. I spent hours everyday in the pool and doing PT exercises in the hopes that it would get me back to doing what I love. Luckily, the surgery was successful and after three months of rehab I was given the green light to start doing some walk-jog forms of running. But you can imagine how devastated I was that even though my right foot no longer hurt, my left big toe was still in pain. People around me wondered if it was time that I gave up on my dream of running, but I was not ready to throw in the towel. In a last ditch effort, my orthopedist ordered an MRi of my left ankle to see if there was something wrong in the back of my foot that was creating pain in my forefoot. But even I was shocked when I sat in the hospital being told that I had a fully fractured calcaneus, and that I had been walking on it for lord knows how long.

"But Even I Was Shocked When I Sat in the Hospital Being Told That I Had a Fully Fracture Calcaneus"

RTP: "Respect the Process" - Coach Sean

Slowly things began to make sense: because my heel was broken I was compensating by changing my gait and putting extra pressure on my forefoot. This caused both a stress reaction to my left hallux and tenosynovitis in all my flexor tendons. I was thrown in a boot for six weeks to heal my calcaneus. In this time I completely rested all my feet and calf muscles, and only focused on strengthening my hips to correct any changes in my gait that were caused by almost two years of intense feet pain. Luckily healing my heel resolved my left big toe pain, and a week before my sophomore year of college I was walking without pain for the first time in 24 months. I was not sure if racing cross country would be a possibility for me given the lack of running I had done over the years. But thankfully all the non-impact cardio and hip strengthening I had done worked its magic, and I was competing pain free within a month.

All things considered, I ended up with a satisfying cross country season. I was out of pain and the only real negativity came from getting the campus sickness and having to compete both cross country leagues and regionals with bronchitis and a fever. After taking time off between cross and indoor, I built up to running 50 miles a week and crosstraining an additional 90 minutes a week to ensure I was training at a high level but also recovering enough. I was slowly gaining fitness back and starting to run workouts not far off from my high school self. But everything fell apart when it mattered most: during Indoor Regionals. I was racing the 5K and on pace to break 18 for the first time in my collegiate career. With 600 meters to go I went from feeling comfortable, to having heavy legs, to losing my vision completely. The next thing I knew I was lying with the medics being told that I DNFed. Bring on the tears, bring on the confusion. Talk about humiliation.

"But Everything Fell Apart When It Mattered Most"

I took a day to feel bad for myself, but thankfully I had great teammates that reminded me that I had to move on. I decided I would shift gears and pour my energy into racing outdoor track. Training went well and I was getting excited to race the 10K. But unfortunately the story doesn’t end there. My outdoor track season started on a high note. I was running the highest mileage of my life, recovering well, and racing well. Then in April I tested positive for COVID and was forced into quarantine for ten days. When I returned to campus I started to feel an aching pain in my right quadricep. I raised concerns to my athletic trainers and they wrote it off as muscle soreness that came from having Covid. I was skeptical but did not know any better, so I gritted my teeth and did my best to train through the pain. Plus we were hosting NESCACs in just ten days, and I was seeded third. But unfortunately my stubborn ways caught up with me and before I knew it, the soreness in my quadricep became so unbearable that my twin brother and boyfriend took shifts piggybacking me around campus to keep me off my feet. I’ll forever be grateful that they helped me get around, but even more grateful when they sat me down and told me that I needed to see a doctor off-campus.

"But being put on crutches and forced to watch the races go on without me hurt my heart and pride more than any bone could have ever done."

Two days before the NESCAC Championships, I limped into a doctor’s office fighting back tears from the pain. I got one XRAY and was immediately thrown onto crutches. The doctor said that even on the XRAY it looked as though my femur was in severe shape. It made sense, my femur was in sharp pain. But being put on crutches and forced to watch the races go on without me hurt my heart and pride more than any bone could have ever done. A week later I got an MRi which revealed a grade 4 femur shaft stress fracture. The doctor looked at it in horror, unsure how I could have been walking- nonetheless completing a 14 mile long run- on such a severe injury. In fact, I was applauded for speaking up when I did, for if I had walked on it one more day it likely would have fully broken and then would have needed surgery to heal.

The weeks that followed were extremely hard. Living on the third floor of a dorm with no elevator made normal life a challenge. I could not serve myself food in the dining hall, I was late to all my classes, and I was humiliated to be on crutches and injured yet again. I was non-weight bearing on crutches for six weeks. In this time I could do nothing besides arm-biking, swimming, light cycling, and non-weightbearing glute strengthening. So I poured my heart into that. Then I had two weeks of partial weightbearing on crutches and could introduce bike workouts to my regimen. After eight weeks total on crutches, I finally was able to walk on my own. I did not complete my first 20 minute continuous run until the end of July.

"I was Humiliated to be on Crutches, Injured Yet Again"

By the time I made it back to Hamilton for the start of my Junior cross country season I was running only four days a week while crosstraining everyday to try and gain fitness with little running under my belt. And by the time the first race came around, I was ready to go. Or at least I thought I was. 3.9 kilometers into my 4K race my body gave out on me yet again. This time I passed out and awoke in a panic attack. The trainers thought it may have been the heat. I think it was likely just my mind trying to override what my body was capable of at that moment in time. It was humiliating and humbling, but in a way exactly what I needed to get me hungry for better racing in the future. I ended up having a fantastic season after that. I improved my time with every race, posting a 6K PR of 22:35 at our league championships held at home once again (talk about full circle). I was making an impact as both a runner and Junior captain, and man oh man was I enjoying every step.

"I improved my time with every race, posting a 6K PR of 22:35. I was making an impact as both a runner and Junior captain, and man oh man was I enjoying every step."

Regionals was scheduled to be November 14. I was running the fastest workouts in my life and my coach and I knew that if I had just a decent day, I would achieve my dream of qualifying for Nationals. We also knew that if I ran as I should, we would get my team to Nationals for the first time since 2001. Everything was going to be great: I was going to do the unthinkable, finish a dream season, and have one hell of a comeback story. But of course nothing is perfect and the week of regionals I started to feel pain in my shin. It was not localized so I was told that I should just lay low for the week, qualify at regionals, then recover as much as I could before competing at Nationals. I bought into the plan, knowing that although it was risky, if I wanted to get myself and my team to nationals I had to try. I gambled that I would rather try and fail then live the rest of my life wondering “what if I just competed”. But tried and failed I did, and from the minute the gun went off I was limping. I suffered through 1 mile of the race until it got to the point where I could not run- I could not walk- and my teammates and coach pulled me off the course as I fell with pain and tears. Talk about disappointment. Talk about heartbreak.

"I Gambled That I Would Rather Try and Fail then Live the Rest of my Life Wondering 'What If I Had Just Competed'."

Getting Carried Around My By Loving Team

Coming back to campus after such an experience was hard enough: I could not put any weight on my leg and my loving teammates took shifts carrying me on their backs. But to make things worse, the training room would be closed until Monday, meaning that I had no way of getting help for the state I was in. Yet again, my boyfriend became my hero and came to pick me up both literally and figuratively. He went above and beyond, piggybacking me all across campus and even holding me up at formal so that I was still given a fun night regardless of my physical and emotional state. When I finally got to see my trainers I was put on crutches for a week, a boot for another, and just now after five weeks post incident am I beginning to be cleared to start doing some short jogs.

Even still- I love this sport. I love all that it has done for me as an athlete and a person. I love how it's brought me a sense of self, an awareness of my body, and how it's connected me to so many lovely people. Being an athlete has forced me through challenge time and time again. But finding running- and learning from every setback- is the reason that I am the happy, healthy, and confident young woman that I am today. It is why 2022 has been the.best year of my life, and that every year that follows will be even more great: because no matter what gets thrown at me, I have the power to manifest a mindset of growth and happiness to get me through it all.

I don’t know what lies ahead in my athletic career. I’m sure it will be full of lots of running and racing, and likely some injuries popping up here and there. But I also know how to recover, how to train through injury, how to take care of myself mentally, and how to stay committed and positive through it all. If anything, I can say with full certainty that no matter the setbacks, I am unbreakable.

Special Shoutouts:

Coach Sean: for being my life-long coach, mentor, and always there to pick me up when I’m down

PT Heather: for helping me to find out what was really wrong

Dr Micheli: for removing the gosh darn bone

Mom: for being my mom

Luke: for unconditional support and a reminder that I have so much to be grateful for

Group 2: for making me fall in love with running

Team: for being my team on and off the course

Amanda/Christina/Mary: for laughs and hugs through it all

Kate Daley: for being you

You Guys: for believing in me through it all